Scottsdale Pet Expert

Archive for the ‘Funny Stuff!’ Category

While pet sitting this week, one of my clients in Scottsdale left this out on the counter for me to read. I thought it was funny, so I am passing it along! Enjoy!

TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever,
smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or
is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not
ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do
love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the
‘ Chrysler Beagle’?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no
human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions,
hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths .
What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I
must remember to be a good dog .
1 . I will not eat the cat’s food before they eat it or after
they throw it up .
2 . I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc . , just
because I like the way they smell .
3 . The litter box is not a cookie jar .
4 . The sofa is not a ‘face towel’ .
5 . The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff .
6 . I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on
the toilet .
7 . Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable
way of saying ‘hello’ .< /STRONG>
8 . I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under
the coffee table .
9 . I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the
house – not after .
10 . I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my
butt .
11 . The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and
he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing .

I got this from a friend in an email and thought it was cute!

If I Didn’t Have Dogs…

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety. My house could
be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated. All flat surfaces,
clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair. When the
doorbell rings, it wouldn’t sound like a kennel.

If I Didn’t Have Dogs…
When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wa ding
through fuzzy bodies who beat me there. I could sit on the couch
and my bed the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how
much space several furry bodies would need to get comfortable.
I would have money…..and no guilt to go on a real vacation. I would
not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put
their yet unborn grand kids through college.

If I Didn’t Have Dogs…

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit,
down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE. My house
would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or
barriers. My house would not look like a day care center,
toys everywhere. My pockets would not contain things
like poop bags, treats and an extra lea sh.

If I Didn’t Have Dogs…

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L, F-R-I-S-B-E- E,
W-A-L-K, T-R-E-A-T, B-I-K-E, G-O, R-I-D-E I would not have as
many leaves INSIDE my house as outside. I would not look strangely
at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.
I’d look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading
‘mud’ season.

If I Didn’t Have Dogs…

I would not have to answer the question ‘Why do you have so many
animals?’ from people who will never have the joy in their lives of
knowing they are loved unconditio nally by someone as close to an angel
as they will ever get. Remember, D-O-G spelled backwards is G-O-D!

How EMPTY my life would be!

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – nose height for the pooch/kitty:

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but a scam.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob, or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1 They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’ t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it ‘fur’nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a ‘gazillion’ dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

This information has been provided to you by Danielle Vasta, Owner of Bella’s House & Pet Sitting. Please contact her at: (480)330-4552 or www.BellasHouseAndPets.com for any of your pet sitting needs!